Modern Vampires

Let me begin by saying that Halloween is my absolute most favorite holiday of all time, Castlevania is my favorite videogame series, and horror is my favorite film genre.  Having said those things (which things) (those things) (oh, ok), it goes without saying that I’d have a some kind of contraption or device/opinion about the guy known as this one here: vampires.

It would seem that this decade’s prerequisite for being a CreATuRe oF THe niGHt is being some kind of pouty supermodel or wearing leather all the time while wielding pistols.  I recall before the year 2000 vampires being all monstrous  and scary and shit cause you know they’re monstersn’ shit and they’ll school you on your own turf and turn into a bat and break dance in mid air.  By the time you notice it’s just a pigeon having some kind of irrational flapping fit VampsMcBigMunny theifed ur gurl, ur ride, and left you out to dry wit da laundry crew all waitin to be worn and tried like a foo’ you’re the shirt on mah back, the seams on mah pants, when I sit and recline I erase you’re stance, vamps got you delerious man this is serious you best bite back when the Drac attack instead of fiddln’ wit a pigeon YOU KNOW BETTAH THAN THAT!

In other words, vampires from Fright Night, The Lost Boys, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and From Dusk Till Dawn TOTALLY steal the lunch money (blood money(?)) from the likes of Twilight/Underworld/whatever the fuck assholes.  80′s vampires concealed their identities pretty well, and when they struck they had these giant crazy eyes, really long fangs, and roared n shit.  In other words they were terrifying monsters.  The minute something wields a gun in a movie, it’s no longer scary.  “I’ve the strength to tear your throat out or punch a hole through your chest but I think I’ll just go bang bang because the director has no fucking imagination”.  Oh that’s a grand idea!

Another thing that isn’t scary: pouty, emaciated-looking, effeminate, male models that sparkle in the sunlight.  Nothing about that describes a vampire.  I’m sorry, I really don’t care how interesting the books are or how much of a good boyfriend he would be.  Newsflash: in real life, good boyfriends have the ability to grow facial hair, eat twice as much as a normal person, and constantly talk about animals.

Here’s an example of a more than adequate vampire movie: From Dusk Till Dawn – some bank robbers have to fight a bunch of vampires and almost the entire movie consists of gore, violence, terror, and all out badassery.  I’m not saying horror movies shouldn’t have good plots, I’m just saying they should have horror, and when you utilize the horror icon that is the vampire, you’d better damn well do it right.

The only two movies from this decade that come to mind when it comes to legit vamps, are I Am Legend and 30 Days Of Night.  I Am Legend portrayed them as crafty but horrifically brutal (though over-cgi’d) savages that kill and eat anything.  30 Days of Night portrayed them as nightmarish monstrosities that sort of resembled humans but had fucked-up looking facial structures making them very scary looking (there’s a novel idea).  Not to mention The way they killed and got killed was very much intense and gruesome.

I just realized that this review was too serious.  I’m gonna have to get all ridiculous n shit next time.

bye

3 out of 12 clams

x At least zombies are still cool.

To protect the identity of said dog that is being reviewed, I will refer to her as Microwoof.  Microwoof is less than a foot long and weighs about as much as a ham sandwhich.  If that last sentence makes you hungry for foot long subs or ham, then stop right there.  I don’t need you chomping Microwoof, and Microwoof doesn’t need you chomping Microwoof either.

Anyway

Microwoof is black and white and has soft fur.  She is also very good at fetch.  All you need in order to play fetch with her is a larger dog to retrieve her once she is thrown/punted.  That’s another thing, Microwoof is great for punting (apparently) and is very aerodynamically shaped.  What’s also cool is that she always has this look on her face like she just broke up with you!

Wait, what?

It is also nice that she appears mildly scared at all times, despite her wagging tale.  It’s as if she knows that she’s either in for the time of her life or is about to meet it’s end and is not quite sure which it’s going to be.  How polite!  She will bark until you enter the house.  Once this happens, she realizes that the chance of a fair fight against an adversary/intruder of her size has now been reduced to zero on account of the fact that yet another upright, humanoid uberbeast known as a person has encountered her.  She has no choice but to act sheepish yet friendly.

A trying life for Microwoof!-

-when everytthing is bigger and smarter than you and has  all the answers to the whereabouts of dogfood and the means of sorcery so as to summon the Hoover Dragon from the hellish, winter-coat-ridden depths of the hallway closet.  Then again, she’s a tiny dog who lives in a nice house with nice people so maybe Microwoof is just being overdramatic.

A problem:  You wake up in the middle of the night hungry for oreos.  A solution: You find a small black and white object to quench your cookie-cravings.  Another problem: Turns out you chomped Microwoof!

SHIT!

The size and coloration of Microwoof can be confusing for cookie-addicts.  Loses points(?).

But that’s OK.  Microwoof is extraordinarily pleasant and congenial.

Guess what Microwoof…

10 out of 12 clams

The name of the spot is “Literal Cafe” and I do not know where it is.  I don’t even remember what it looked like.  I walked in and got a table immediately even though they looked busy so guess what LC?  You’ve won so far!

Then this happened:

They put me next to a window at a table that had a booster seat for a baby or something still on the chair.  This pissed me off so I went into a rage and demanded my money back.  When they said I hadn’t ordered yet I threatened to summon the likes of Captain Explosive who would gladly turn the place into a “Literal Crater” (you’re welcome) for the small price of their shattered dreams.  Upon realizing that the waitress and management (yeah they showed up a few words back) were hip to the fact that no such man of no such moniker exists, I smashed the window (with cunning gorilla-like unpredictability!)  with the table and somersaulted back into the outside world with the waitress slung over my shoulder, kidnapped, caveman-style.

Then I woke up and everything was back to normal.  I was sitting in my wonderful booster seat, looking around in breif confusion until realizing it was all just the resturaunts nightmare.

The menu had stuff like:

“Fried Dead Bird Between Two Lumps of Yeast ” ~9

“Ground Up Mother-Cow with some Indiscriminate Green Shit On The Side” ~12

“Moderate-Sized Salad With Iceberg Lettuce Unlike It’s Romaine-Ridden Yearbook Picture You See Here” ~7

“Unfrozen Talapia with Shredded Tangerines On Top For No Fucking Reason” ~14

“A Collection Of The Gassiest Foods You Can Imagine Wrapped In A Tortilla Bound To Fly Out of Your Ass (give or take 4 hours) With Rail-Gun Gusto While Frighteningly Maintaining The Same Appearance As When You First Ate Them” ~ 13

The kids menu was pretty descriptive:

“Doesn’t Matter What It Is, You Can Either Eat It Or Go To Bed Hungry!” ~5

“I’ll Give You Something To Cry About!” ~5

“Chicken Fingers with Fries” ~5

What sucks about this place?  Only one thing: The names of the dishes are too long.  What’s exquisite about it?  Everything else!  I very much enjoyed my Chopped Up Deadfish And Maybe Dolphin Smothered In Bacteria-Thickened Cow Mammary Secretion Over Rye.  While lengthy, the names of the entrees really make it sound more appetizing, so much that it tastes about ten times better than if you order it by using the traditional names.  Nothing tastes better than cold, bitter reality being crammed down your throat like the delicious meal it is.  Maybe it’s all about perspective.  That can be said about many things.  At this point, if you think this restaurant actually exists and/or just recognized the whole nightmare sequence over at the top as a legitimate means of foreshadowing then you need help…academic help.

10 out of 12 clams

Port: Amchitka
Destination: Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra

We jump towards the page about the fabulous Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra from…Amchitka. “What is Amchitka?” you may be asking yourself. Well, I asked myself the same question before perusing the page and learning that it is “a volcanic, tectonically unstable island in the Rat Islands group of the Aleutian Islands in southwest Alaska.”

Hmm. Rat Islands, eh? I decided before I ventured out onto our journey that I’d learn a little more about these islands. I was curious why our beloved dock is a part of such a crappily named sequence. A click on Rat Islands gave me the answer: “The name Rat Islands is the English translation of the name given to the islands by Captain Fyodor Petrovich Litke in 1827 when he visited the Aleutian Islands on a voyage around the world. The islands are named so because of the rats that have ruled Rat Island since about 1780. As of 2009, the island is believed to be rat free.”

So, apparently Amchitka is ruled by rats.

And, if you were curious as to how the rats got removed, this article explains it: “After dropping poison onto the island from helicopter-hoisted buckets for a week and a half last autumn, there are no signs of living rats.”

So, they dropped poison on the island. Interesting. I wonder if this is a part of some government conspiracy to make super-intelligent ninja rats for the purpose of training anthropomorphic teenage turtles.

Nah. I mean, it’s not like the island is radioactive. OH WAIT

The island was used to test the effects of underground nuclear detonations.

We better get out of here before a whole bunch of ninja rats start kicking our asses. Or, teaching us karate. The latter of which wouldn’t be so bad I suppose…unless they started charging outrageous fees just for self defense courses, and pocketing the extra money for their own greedy selves. And I’m just not ready to test the moral fiber of radioactive sensei rats.

So we must move ONWARD.

1^st click: Alaska Purchase.
I wanted something wholesome after that whole nuclear-testing/giant-radioactive-rat situation, so I figured this was the best place on the page to turn. There’s a whole lot of wholesome, and therefore BORING, words on this page, so I’m looking for a quick exit.

AHA! The “See also” section of the page has a link to the Louisiana Purchase. My mind is racing to the beat of my bayou heart: the Louisiana Purchase should discuss Missouri, right? And Missouri is only a stone’s throw away from our destination: The Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra.

2^nd click: Louisiana Purchase.
YES. My quick thinking has paid off: “France turned New Orleans over on December 20, 1803 at The Cabildo. On March 10, 1804, a formal ceremony was conducted in St. Louis to transfer ownership of the territory from France to the United States.”

Thanks to those party animals known as the french, we’re only one click away from Louie.

3^rd click: St. Louis
Oh my GOD this page is long. Luckily, there’s a section in the contents for “Entertainment and performing arts.” Clicking that brings us smack-dab into our home stretch via this glorious sentence: “St. Louis is home to the world-renowned Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra which was founded in 1880 and is the second oldest orchestra in the nation.”

4^th click: Saint Louis Symphony Orchestra
And here we are, team. We’ve arrived at the page for the SLSO, thus ending our latest journey in only 4 clicks. Record time!

It’s been a pleasure traveling with you. Remember to keep your explorer hats on, kids.

Oh, and someone drop off 4 turtles in bandanas and 1 wise-looking rat on Amchitka. Let’s take the leap from fantasy to reality.

Happy Trails,

-          Mike