It would seem that my reviews so far have spoken favorably of the things I’ve been reviewing.  I am pleased to announce that I’ve found something to give a negative review about:

Modern Vampires

Let me begin by saying that Halloween is my absolute most favorite holiday of all time, Castlevania is my favorite videogame series, and horror is my favorite film genre.  Having said those things (which things) (those things) (oh, ok), it goes without saying that I’d have a some kind of contraption or device/opinion about the guy known as this one here: vampires.

It would seem that this decade’s prerequisite for being a CreATuRe oF THe niGHt is being some kind of pouty supermodel or wearing leather all the time while wielding pistols.  I recall before the year 2000 vampires being all monstrous  and scary and shit cause you know they’re monstersn’ shit and they’ll school you on your own turf and turn into a bat and break dance in mid air.  By the time you notice it’s just a pigeon having some kind of irrational flapping fit VampsMcBigMunny theifed ur gurl, ur ride, and left you out to dry wit da laundry crew all waitin to be worn and tried like a foo’ you’re the shirt on mah back, the seams on mah pants, when I sit and recline I erase you’re stance, vamps got you delerious man this is serious you best bite back when the Drac attack instead of fiddln’ wit a pigeon YOU KNOW BETTAH THAN THAT!

In other words, vampires from Fright Night, The Lost Boys, Bram Stoker’s Dracula, and From Dusk Till Dawn TOTALLY steal the lunch money (blood money(?)) from the likes of Twilight/Underworld/whatever the fuck assholes.  80′s vampires concealed their identities pretty well, and when they struck they had these giant crazy eyes, really long fangs, and roared n shit.  In other words they were terrifying monsters.  The minute something wields a gun in a movie, it’s no longer scary.  “I’ve the strength to tear your throat out or punch a hole through your chest but I think I’ll just go bang bang because the director has no fucking imagination”.  Oh that’s a grand idea!

Another thing that isn’t scary: pouty, emaciated-looking, effeminate, male models that sparkle in the sunlight.  Nothing about that describes a vampire.  I’m sorry, I really don’t care how interesting the books are or how much of a good boyfriend he would be.  Newsflash: in real life, good boyfriends have the ability to grow facial hair, eat twice as much as a normal person, and constantly talk about animals.

Here’s an example of a more than adequate vampire movie: From Dusk Till Dawn – some bank robbers have to fight a bunch of vampires and almost the entire movie consists of gore, violence, terror, and all out badassery.  I’m not saying horror movies shouldn’t have good plots, I’m just saying they should have horror, and when you utilize the horror icon that is the vampire, you’d better damn well do it right.

The only two movies from this decade that come to mind when it comes to legit vamps, are I Am Legend and 30 Days Of Night.  I Am Legend portrayed them as crafty but horrifically brutal (though over-cgi’d) savages that kill and eat anything.  30 Days of Night portrayed them as nightmarish monstrosities that sort of resembled humans but had fucked-up looking facial structures making them very scary looking (there’s a novel idea).  Not to mention The way they killed and got killed was very much intense and gruesome.

I just realized that this review was too serious.  I’m gonna have to get all ridiculous n shit next time.

bye

3 out of 12 clams

x At least zombies are still cool.