I went to a resturaunt on Satundee.  It tasted like sustinence.

The name of the spot is “Literal Cafe” and I do not know where it is.  I don’t even remember what it looked like.  I walked in and got a table immediately even though they looked busy so guess what LC?  You’ve won so far!

Then this happened:

They put me next to a window at a table that had a booster seat for a baby or something still on the chair.  This pissed me off so I went into a rage and demanded my money back.  When they said I hadn’t ordered yet I threatened to summon the likes of Captain Explosive who would gladly turn the place into a “Literal Crater” (you’re welcome) for the small price of their shattered dreams.  Upon realizing that the waitress and management (yeah they showed up a few words back) were hip to the fact that no such man of no such moniker exists, I smashed the window (with cunning gorilla-like unpredictability!)  with the table and somersaulted back into the outside world with the waitress slung over my shoulder, kidnapped, caveman-style.

Then I woke up and everything was back to normal.  I was sitting in my wonderful booster seat, looking around in breif confusion until realizing it was all just the resturaunts nightmare.

The menu had stuff like:

“Fried Dead Bird Between Two Lumps of Yeast ” ~9

“Ground Up Mother-Cow with some Indiscriminate Green Shit On The Side” ~12

“Moderate-Sized Salad With Iceberg Lettuce Unlike It’s Romaine-Ridden Yearbook Picture You See Here” ~7

“Unfrozen Talapia with Shredded Tangerines On Top For No Fucking Reason” ~14

“A Collection Of The Gassiest Foods You Can Imagine Wrapped In A Tortilla Bound To Fly Out of Your Ass (give or take 4 hours) With Rail-Gun Gusto While Frighteningly Maintaining The Same Appearance As When You First Ate Them” ~ 13

The kids menu was pretty descriptive:

“Doesn’t Matter What It Is, You Can Either Eat It Or Go To Bed Hungry!” ~5

“I’ll Give You Something To Cry About!” ~5

“Chicken Fingers with Fries” ~5

What sucks about this place?  Only one thing: The names of the dishes are too long.  What’s exquisite about it?  Everything else!  I very much enjoyed my Chopped Up Deadfish And Maybe Dolphin Smothered In Bacteria-Thickened Cow Mammary Secretion Over Rye.  While lengthy, the names of the entrees really make it sound more appetizing, so much that it tastes about ten times better than if you order it by using the traditional names.  Nothing tastes better than cold, bitter reality being crammed down your throat like the delicious meal it is.  Maybe it’s all about perspective.  That can be said about many things.  At this point, if you think this restaurant actually exists and/or just recognized the whole nightmare sequence over at the top as a legitimate means of foreshadowing then you need help…academic help.

10 out of 12 clams