Hey guess what?  I’m gonna tell you about this friggin’ thing.

On my desk at work there is a printer I require.  It is roughly the size of a watermelon from an early PlayStation game.  It’s mostly white but hides it’s true colors and hides them very poorly because I can see them on the sides (umm….grey).  It is a basic object.

The GOOD THINGS

I press the button and bam I get the copy.  For example:  “Hey printer you gotta make about a million copies of the Sarengheti Spaghetti Documentation Menu” “Hey youz gots it!  I do it best!”, and then I have the copies.  What I especially like about this thing is that it does not bite, nor does it answer its cell phone during a movie.

Good.

However…

It has these really weird legs.  Printers don’t need legs.  It keeps me up at night.  I see things.  Horrible things.  You know what?  I bet it can walk…

“ANY OBJECT WITH LEGS CAN WALK”

~Oakford Lexington of The Chairsburg Tribune

It probably followed me home.  You know what?  It looses points for that.  Like, SOOO many points for probably following me home.  In fact, it also looses points for only being able to copy papers and stuff.  I’ve yet to see it copy meals, vespas, or low-pressure systems.

I’ve been doing some serious thinking and soup-searching (the confused cousin of ‘soul-searching’ that doesn’t know whether it’s bored or hungry) these past 4 minutes and I think maybe I’ve been a little too harsh on this object.  I DID give it a friendly construction-worker-from-Brooklyn accent when I paraphrased it so maybe it ain’t so scary.  Maybe it’s more inclined to have a beer with me and sport exiting salutations such as “Be good” or “Have a Merry” (depending on the season) rather than stalk me.  But it still has legs.

8 out of 12 clams